


18 Torchwood One Shots

by TorchWhoLockian_Potterhead



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Fluff, Multi, OC, mostly not depressing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-31
Updated: 2014-01-31
Packaged: 2018-01-10 17:26:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 9,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1162474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TorchWhoLockian_Potterhead/pseuds/TorchWhoLockian_Potterhead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Originally a challenge which me and my friends did to write a one shot for every day in August but kinda failed after day 19 :)8 Each should be taken on its own accept that 12 follows on from 10. The chapter number is the day I wrote it and the chapter title is the prompt we worked from. Enjoy :)8</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Black is not the Colour of Death but the Colour of Beauty

**Author's Note:**

  * For [My vent for fanfic- Emma :)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=My+vent+for+fanfic-+Emma+%3A%29).



> Still own nothing :(

**Tosh  
**

I always used to associate darkness with negativity; it was the bringer of nightmares and the format of funerals. I am familiar with both of these but nightmares are a much more frequent visitor. Most nights even now I wake up screaming, reliving the months I spent on a cold, hard floor imprisoned before Jack saved me. He isn't the only one who saved me. All those years you didn't know I existed were torture. But like you said, you torture people in happy relationships. I was never in a happy relationship-or any relationship at all. It's not like I'm desirable! Now as I slip into death all I can think of is the moment you agreed to the date that never was. You finally noticed me and now we're both dying! I remember what you said about death, that it was just darkness. Black. So often since that conversation I have thought of how terrible that must be but with you with me, the black can only be beautiful.


	2. Hair Gel

**Ianto  
**

Hair gel. Now that was a funny week! I never did get around to apologizing to Jack.

It all started one night when we were... you know... and I ran my fingers through his hair. I always did that, still do, but this time he had tons of gel on. I didn't know what to expect. I liked it, of course but it just wasn't the same.

I did decide that if some hairstyles are better than others, maybe _I_ should experiment with the gel. Jack had to agree; after all, I have to put up with his little experiments most nights! So every morning after washing his hair he would let me gel and style it in a new way. It confused the hell out of Gwen! Tosh was a little bemused too and quite frankly I don't think Owen gave a damn. By day 5 Jack was starting to get a bit peeved, threatening not to let me stay the night. They were empty threats, obviously, but threats all the same. On the 7th day I did the right thing and handed him the pot of gel. "I don't know how you get your hair so perfect normally" I said, hoping he wouldn't be too mad "but that's definitely how I like it best." He grabbed the gel and after what must have been at least half an hour in the bathroom he emerged, like a knight in shining armour. My knight in navy blue military coat and gorgeous hair back to the way it was. I was going to say sorry, honestly I was but my body had other plans and I was kissing him before I knew what was going on. I ran my fingers through his hair and sighed; this was perfect.


	3. Time just ran out for us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prequel to this was written by my friend Emma:  
> (Suzie to Jack)  
> I remember the night we met. You in your bloody military coat, me in my favourite blue dress. I’d been out to a party that night; I can’t remember whose party it was though. It was late, I was drunk. I didn’t normally get drunk; it was a new experience for me. I wasn’t sure whether I liked it. I was stumbling home in my heels. I don’t know why I’d chosen to wear those heels. You know the ones, the bright red ones with ribbon coming off them that ties round your ankles. They were almost impossible to walk in, especially if you were drunk. You dashed past me, your coat flying out behind you; I thought you were a God. It wasn’t until later that I realised you were the Devil in disguise. You shoved me out the way as you sprinted past and I slammed into a wall. You stopped. I thought you would have kept running but you didn’t. You turned and walked over to me. I was clutching my right arm, trying not to let the pain show, that’s what I’d learnt from a young age. If I let the pain show, I was more likely to be hit. My bastard of a father, I loathed him. I had to live with him though, I had nowhere else to go, nobody else to turn to. I was completely alone in the world, not a friend in sight. I wasn’t considered beautiful when I was at school but I was considered a little pretty. I think that had something to do with my Spanish roots. I cowered away from you as you came towards me, wincing as my arm throbbed mercilessly. “I’m sorry gorgeous, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” You drawled in your sexy American accent. “I’m fine, I’m not hurt.” I said shakily, hiding my face from you so you couldn’t see the tears. “You’re an awful liar gorgeous.” Looking back now, I realise that I was an awful liar but as I sunk deeper into the darkness of Torchwood the lies came easier, they could just appear in my head and I felt no guilt as I told them. You spun me round so I was facing you. You held my arm carefully and I let out a gasp of pain as you applied pressure to it. “You need to get that fixed.” You told me. “I don’t even know your name.” “Captain Jack Harkness. What’s yours?” “Suzie Costello.” “Well then Suzie, let’s go and get you fixed up.” You took me to the hospital and you waited with me whilst I got my arm sorted, after that you took me for a drink in a little bar near the Millennium Centre. That was when you asked me. You asked me to join you; you said that I’d be a great addition to the team. I was young and naïve and I was looking for adventure so without a second thought I said yes.  
>  I remember you telling me that I shouldn’t let myself sink into the darkness but then I realised that I didn’t have anything else to live for. No family, I had disowned myself from my father a while ago. No friends, not really anyway. Ianto took pity on me because I looked as broken as he felt. Tosh didn’t like me because I was already starting to let myself get dragged in by the darkness and it was only my third week. Owen only put up with me because we used each other for sex. Then there was you. The mysterious Captain Jack, with your big military coat and your ancient whisky that you kept in a cupboard in your office. The man who let himself sink deeper and deeper into the darkness, the man who started to become a little more inhumane every time the darkness got to him. I watched as you became darker and you watched as I became a little more insane. There were days when you would be so dark and I would be so insane and we would be perfect together. Our lips crashing together furiously as you pushed me against your desk, then there were other days where we pretended that we were perfect and that we were normal. We pretended that everything was fine and that you weren't absorbed by the darkness and that I wasn't insane. We’d lie our way through the day and it always resulted in us ending up at my flat, lying in my bed, panting and covered in sweat. The days that we didn't lie were the days that hurt the most. The days where our emotions were so raw. The days where we at our worst, the days where we were both on the same page, on the same line. The days where we were both psychotic.

**Suzie to Jack  
**

Captain, my Captain.

We have always been more alike than you dared to admit; we were exactly what the other needed but precisely what they despised. I could tell that you hated the darkness, which you were so deep in, yet I embraced it when I could- when I was with you.

You had given up fighting your darkness yet you wanted me to banish mine. Darkness suited me and I knew it and that scared the hell out of you! You used to worry about me so much; I have seen you so deep in thought that no matter where I put my hands you wouldn't react.

You couldn't bring yourself to talk to me even when we were lying alone together in my bed. You would sleep with me and then just lie there, with only the sound of our ragged breaths and pounding hearts breaking the silence. I always told myself I would one night pluck up the courage to initiate a conversation. For one night it wouldn't just be our bodies talking.

That night never came.

But maybe it wasn't all that bad. Maybe we didn't talk because there was no need. Maybe that was why there was never any "do you want"s or "would you like"s, because you and I knew the answers. We knew each other so well.

Inevitability was a significant factor in the making of us- it was certain that if we were last out of work, we were going to my place. It was yet another aspect of our cycle of more-than-friendship-but-never-love. There has never been a relationship even remotely like ours.

I wouldn't know where to begin if I had to explain it to somebody. Analysing it now I simply can't work out what it was, what to call it. To this day I don't know whether I loved you, hated you, neither or both. I do know, however, exactly how you felt about me. You hated me for what I was doing to myself almost as much as you hated yourself for allowing 'us' to happen. Every night together I could see the knife twisting in your side.

As I fell asleep I would sometimes roll over and see you crying. That was, I think, one of the main reasons I went back to Owen. He actually cared about me. He got to know me where you just looked at me, saw yourself and let that suffice. You chose me because you needed an emotional outlet, he chose me because he actually liked me.

When Owen lost interest in me, things got worse again. The darkness was stronger and I needed you more.

You were my constant guilty pleasure. No, pleasure is the wrong word. Respite- you were my guilty respite. When everything piled up and the darkness closed in, you were the only one who could even begin to understand. It was as though we could sense each other's fading lights and turn them back up. With every passing day it got more intense, it started at once in a while and increased until we got so dependent on each other that every night was barely enough. You were my method of release, the one I could be myself with, the one who knew how it felt to be as broken as I was.

Some nights I would watch you through half-closed eyes when you thought I was asleep. You would put on your clothes silently and leave in a swift, military coat-ed sweep. Other nights it was like I blinked and you were gone. One night, once ever, I fell asleep in your arms and awoke still there. You were awake, unmoving like a statue, deep in thought. That night was the night after we found the glove.

That glove changed everything. I didn't need you anymore; I had the gauntlet. It was good to me, it knew me, and it wanted me to embrace my inner darkness. Maybe- before the glove- we could have had something, something real other than a way to keep above the borderline of sanity.

Maybe if I had had the courage to talk to you-

Maybe if we had seen the potential of what we had-

Maybe-

But I guess time just ran out for us. Since I killed us both, I wonder if I'll meet you in hell. Maybe we'll have time to start it all over before my plan is set in motion.

Maybe...


	4. The Bloody Welsh!

**Owen to Gwen**  
  
You really give a bad impression of the Welsh, Gwen! You're a fickle, grumpy hypocrite who hates me! On the plus side, you were the best person I had slept with in a long while. I don't even know why you got this job anyway. Probably just to replace Suzie. Come to think of it, you never did tell me what really happened that night. Not that I care.  
  
It didn't take long for you to get your feet under the table, either. On your first day you let of an evil alien gas and snogged the person possessed by it! That was the first of many signs that Rhys wasn't all that satisfying.  
  
Our first kiss went pretty well, considering. You needed us to shut up so I kissed you, nothing wrong with that. You got all grouchy afterwards, obviously. Not once, though, did you deny that you liked it. We both know you were as into me as I was you. You were the one with your tongue down my throat.  
  
You were worryingly eager to jump into my bed. You were good too, so full of anger and not at all gentle! You have to admit I was right- we were good together. I still can't believe Tosh had the cheek to read our thoughts! That necklace would have been useful; knowing what you were thinking when we were in the middle of a passionate encounter would be fun! Tosh hearing the memories of those moments, however, is just sickening. That nausea got you worrying- eventually- about the morality of cheating on your boyfriend.  
  
So you broke it off and convinced yourself it was all my fault. I'm not the one with the boyfriend, mate! From what I can tell he isn't much of a boyfriend, either. The bloody Welsh!


	5. The light at the end of the tunnel

**John Hart to Jack**

Hey Jack, it's been a while. You look different. Sort of... mature. How's that working out for you? You never used to be the mature type. Maybe I just bring out the youth in you.

I like the coat by the way, very macho. Not quite as cool as mine, though. If those stripes really do mean you came by your status as Captain honestly then you must have been here a while.

Not looking for me.

Then again, honesty was never your style.

I missed you, you know! You left me with nothing. Five years- well, two weeks in a time loop- we were together for! Seeing you again makes me realise that I still consider those the best days of my life. All those memories- walks on the beach, fights on the beach, sex on the beach. Not necessarily in that order and not necessarily separately!

Did you just call me the wife?

You were definitely the wife. You aren't denying I made a good wife, though. Come to think of it, I probably was the wife; I had to do all the cooking and cleaning while you hung onto my neck and tried to pull me away and kiss me. Do you have any idea how tempting you were? It's a wonder anything got done in our house!

Now I even sound like your wife...

The last night I saw you is so vivid in my mind. Our bodies were in harmony, our hearts were racing and I could taste the passion in the room. I lay there in your arms, everything was perfect. I fell asleep thinking about you, dreaming about you.

I woke up and you weren't there. You had probably just woken up and gone for breakfast, I told myself. Somewhere deep down I knew something was wrong.

I rolled over to find your side of our bed was cold. There was a note, clinical white, on your pillow. I unfolded it and read it through teary eyes.

It told me that the time loop was fixed, that you had moved on to a new assignment where I would never see you again and that I should move on too.

The light at the end of the tunnel had found a way out.

I spent the next day crying, the next week alone in our house, collecting photos and keepsakes and the next five years trying desperately to find you. Then the time agency shut down and I was stuck in every rehab under the suns. None of them worked!

As soon as I got out, the search began again. I never found you, Gray did. But I found Gray. He told me where you were so here I am, Jack.

My only thought was you. There you were.

The memories of those five years crashed into me and I relished every second.

Slowly you walked towards me.

Slowly I walked towards you.

You were in front of me. Touching me, holding me, kissing me, just like old times.

One quick breather before I felt your fist on my cheek. We were fighting, just like old times.

One little question and we were off to the alcohol. We were drinking and chatting, just like old times.

One almost kiss and you were different. You were defensive and angry, not at all like the old times.

Your team burst in and ruined the moment. I manufactured my usual facade as we chatted and I surveyed your sorry excuse of a team. One of them caught my eye- Ianto Jones- the name spoken most fondly, the trigger held most closely, the eyes fixed on you most protectively.

Jealousy!

Full-blown, explosive envy.

You two had a thing, I knew it.

He was the one.

The light has found a new tunnel.

I did everything in my power to make him feel the same inner turmoil that I was grappling with. It's killing me. Now I wish I wasn't about to ask for your help. I have to work with you and your man without killing him. I can't kill him because it would hurt you so much; I love you and I couldn't do that. Instead I try to take the advice given to me in that letter on your pillow all those years ago and move on.

I'll try to mend my heart.

You're the light at the end of his tunnel now.

What about me?

You just left me in darkness.


	6. The Surprise Party

**Gwen**

It's a rainy day in April and I'm sat on the sofa in the hub with my head lolling onto Rhys's shoulder. We're waiting for Jack and Ianto to get out of Jack's office and for Jack to give me some kind of signal via earpiece. Why?

Well it all started last week when Jack sent Ianto off to get a take-away and invited me into his office. This made me a little apprehensive, considering that the only time somebody else can enter Jack's office is when Jack and Ianto need 'quality time' together.

"Gwen, I need your help," Jack stared hopefully at me.

"Why?" I asked, feeling sceptical.

"It's Ianto's birthday on Saturday. He doesn't know that I know and I wanna throw him a surprise party," He grinned. This wasn't what I had expected to hear.

"Ok, cool! Yeah I'll help." The more I thought about it, the better that sounded; we needed something to cheer us up after losing Tosh and Owen.

We got our heads together and within the 20 minutes it took for Ianto to return, we each had a plan written down of what would happen at the party.

"Food's here, guys," Ianto called through the coms.

Jack folded his plan and placed it carefully into a drawer in his desk. I stuffed mine in the back pocket of my jeans before following Jack out the door.

Ianto was standing by the door and whisked Jack around for a kiss but broke away when he saw me and raised his eyebrows questioningly.

"Oh...err...we were just...erm..." I struggled to fabricate a lie.

"I was just showing Gwen some embarrassing footage of her singing in the Hub while we're out," Jack laughed a little too readily.

"Riiight," Ianto dragged the word out as though considering whether to pursue the matter further.

"I'll go set the table." I slipped off as fast as I could, pausing only to take a quick peek at the boys, who were now snogging like there was no tomorrow.

That was a close shave.

We were more careful after that and there were no more worries until Jack pointed out that it would take a lot of explaining to justify half an hour's party setting up without him. That's when I thought **_Why not let Rhys help and the boys can stay at Ianto's house?_**

That plan would have been great accept that I got a call from a breathless and giddy Jack telling me that Ianto wasn't going to be going anywhere any time soon.

Uh oh!

They were in his office having sex and we needed to be in the room next door stringing up bunting!

"Just be quiet, you'll be fine." Jack did not sound sufficiently anxious and it was getting on my nerves, "Oh, here he comes!" He whispered gleefully, "You've got an hour. We won't leave the room, I promise." He hung up.

It's alright for some. I drove Rhys to the Hub, grumbling all the way. This was going to be so awkward!

I tried to shut out the sound of shouting and satisfied moans from the office as we set up. After half an hour we were done and sat on the sofa. That's how we've been for the past 40 minutes, sitting and chatting in hushed voices.

We don't really need to whisper, though; they're getting louder by the second.

Silence.

Suddenly my com springs to life. All I hear for a solid minute are Jack and Ianto's racing, panting breaths. Jack giggles in a way he must only use for Ianto "Coffee?"

I hear a faint "Ok." From Ianto.

"Wait!" Jack shouts loud enough that I would be able to hear him without the com. "Put your clothes on first. The more you put on now, the more I can have fun taking off again."

I hastily turn off my earpiece. I've heard more than enough! I run to the lights and Rhys clumsily makes his way to the table in the dark.

"Did we turn the lights off when we came in?" Ianto asked.

"You want me to turn them on?"Jack offered, slowly walking closer to me.

"Yeah, that might help." Ianto said sarcastically.

3...2...1...

"SURPRISE!"


	7. Tosh/Ianto- Lust

"I want you all to meet our new colleague-" Jack stepped sideways to reveal a besuited man, "This is Ianto Jones." He gazed at the man admiringly.

Suzie thought he looked interesting, like there was more to him than met the eye.

Owen thought he looked a little too cosy with Jack.

Tosh thought he looked like the first person Jack had employed who would be kind enough to give her a second thought.

"Ianto this is the team: Suzie Costello," Suzie nodded as Jack gestured to her, "Toshiko Sato,"

"Call me Tosh" she smiled.

"-and Owen Harper."

"That's Doctor Owen Harper," Owen warned.

"Yes, thank you, Owen." Jack said sarcastically, "Oh, and I think you two have met." Jack gestured to the pteradon circling above their heads and laughed.

Ianto returned the laugh and it sounded like music to Tosh's naive ears.

"Ianto, hi," Tosh smiled as a child does for a school photo.

"Hello Tosh," Ianto smiled, grateful of this woman's attempt at friendship.

"I was just wondering if you wanted me to show you around."

"Sure." Ianto followed her around the maze that was now his workplace.

They became firm friends that day. Only once did that ever change...

Christmas night. The party was over and Ianto was left responsible for a very giddy Tosh on the street, waiting for a taxi.

"Ianto, look what I've got!" Tosh's unsteady hand held up some mistletoe.

"I'm not sure if-" Ianto was cut off when Tosh kissed him. He had had enough alcohol that he didn't think about the ramifications of what was going on and he didn't notice that Tosh was over-zealous. All he knew was that he wanted her too.

He kissed her back, resting one hand gently on her neck. A car's horn shocked them apart.

"Oi!" The taxi driver shouted through the window, "Do you want a lift or not?"

"Yes!" Tosh giggled and stumbled into the back, "Aren't you going to see me to my door?"

"Well I-" Ianto began.

"I can take you to yours after; it'd be nice to get some extra cash tonight," The driver smiled kindly.

"Ok then." Ianto climbed into the seat next to Tosh and thanked the driver. Tosh gave the man directions and they were off.

Tosh hiccupped, leant over to Ianto and whispered in his ear "Maybe you should just sleep at my house..."

The corners of Ianto's mouth turned up. His judgement was hazy, he was thinking that Tosh looked great in that elegant, lacy, pastel-blue dress while a corner of his mind wondered what she would look like with it off.

"Maybe I should," He grinned.

"Oh! Just this building here-" Tosh called and pointed. Tosh paid the man and got out of the car.

The driver turned to Ianto, "So where are you off to?" He asked as Tosh stumbled towards the door.

"Erm, here," Ianto said embarrassedly as Tosh fumbled with her key.

"Ah, I see," The driver smirked knowingly, "Well good luck to you."

As Tosh showed him around her home, Ianto couldn't focus on anything she said. There was something unsettling his mind, he wanted her so badly. In his intoxicated state, the name of this feeling evaded him.

She was grappling with the same desire and as her speech trailed to silence, she stared into his eyes longingly. They were right outside the closed bedroom door. Ianto's lips smashed into hers and he pinned her to the door. One of Tosh's hands was clung to Ianto's shoulder for support. The other was searching for the door handle. She found it. They fell into the room, never breaking contact. Clothes were strewn on the floor, inhibitions were somewhere at the beginning of the party and to Ianto, everything looked beautiful.

Tosh relaxed into Ianto's arms and slept a dreamless, contented sleep. Ianto, however, could not find rest.

As the alcohol gradually loosened its hold on his brain, he couldn't shake the growing feeling of dread and remorse. What had they done? They had spoilt a perfect friendship. If only she had been so drunk that she had forgotten the whole thing.

Forgot...

Ianto groped around for his jacket.

He slid a hand into the inside pocket and pulled out a labelled, compartmented pill box. How many hours would he need? Let's say 10, to be on the safe side.

She would just assume she had gotten really drunk. He put on his clothes and left his shirt mostly undone and his waistcoat and jacket hung neatly on the back of a chair in the living room. He found Tosh's wash basket and shoved her clothing in there. He heard her stirring; he would have to be quick. He ran downstairs, pill in hand and made the type of coffee Tosh always ordered in the mornings. He dropped the pill in and returned to the bedroom.

He placed it on her bedside table and as he not-so-carefully climbed into bed, he woke her up.

"Ianto I think I have a hangover." Tosh said sleepily.

"There's coffee on there." He pointed, "Should help."

She sat up and drank it all in a few gulps. Memories of the night before were gradually seeping into her conscious mind.

"Does last night change anyth-" Her head lolled back and she fell into an artificial sleep.

Ianto quickly fixed up the rest of his outfit and washed out the cup. He stepped outside into the cool morning air and realized he had no idea how to get home. He looked around and recognized the street. It was only half a mile away. He set off and got home in record time. He sat on his bed with a glass of water in one hand and a pill in the other. He placed the Retcon on his tongue and swallowed it. He slumped down and just had time to place the glass on his bedside table and remember the name of the feeling he had been controlled by that night.

Lust.


	8. Retcon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know, David and matt are OCs based on particular characters (no prizes for guessing who!) and Nichola is just plain old original :)

"I think I've got it!" Nichola takes out a cup and pours a controlled amount of white powder into it. She hands it to me.

"Are you sure this time?" I fill the glass with water and stir it to dissolve the powder.

"100 percent," She grabs the cup and heads for the cells, "Well, 90." She giggles.

I sigh and follow her, feeling sorry for all of the Weevils that have been subjected to Nichola's trials.

"Matt, David, this is it!" She shouts across the hub.

"Cool." Matt runs over and flicks his hair out of his eyes.

"Molto bene!" David speedwalks to us, his trench-coat flowing out behind him. He slows down beside me. "You don't think it's going to work, do you Jack?"

"Well it hasn't exactly gone perfectly before has it?" I reason.

"Matt," Nichola smiles sweetly, "will you do the honours?"

She offers him the cup. Matt fixes his red bow tie and takes the solution, opening a small window and reaching into it, "Drink up, there's a good Weevil."

"It's called Retcon, like the band," Nichola tells us.

"What band?" David asks.

"Retcon," Matt says, "Retcon is cool."

As I bring my attention back to the Weevil, I see that it is trying to drink the Retcon. "Matt, the Weevil."

"Oh, sorry," He pours the liquid into the Weevil's mouth. It teeters, stumbles and falls to the ground.

I open the door and enter, shutting it behind me. I check the vital signs with my Vortex Manipulator. It's fine, unconscious but fine. The only change is that 3 weeks of memory have been lost.

"I gotta hand it to you Nic, it works," I grin as I leave the cell, "3 weeks gone."

"Now we just need humans to test on," David and Matt fidget and look away; neither of them wanted to become lab rats.

I volunteer and after months of refining and testing and forcefully forgetting, Retcon is ready. The rest, as they say, is history.


	9. "I've never seen it used like that before!"

**Nick (an OC) to Jack**

It's a day I remember well, the day I met you.

23rd April 2020, a bar just off Cardiff Bay.

My girlfriend had dumped me a few hours before and I was one drink into drowning my sorrows.

"Hello, handsome."

Were you talking to me? I turned and realized you were.

"Captain Jack Harkness." You held out your hand and I took it warily, hoping you would leave me alone to wallow in self-pity.

"Nick. Nick Williams," Something made me smile at you, albeit a weak, unconvincing one.

"Hey, what's wrong?" You looked genuinely concerned. I didn't want to tell you, why would I? Yet something within me felt compelled to pour out my life story. I had only just met you but I was under your spell already.

"It's my girlfriend...ex-girlfriend. She dumped me today."

"Ouch!" You flashed me a dazzling smile and laid a hand on my shoulder kindly, "I know that story." I felt a surge of comfort! He empathised and that was what mattered.

"So what brings you here?" Why was I asking? Didn't I want to be left alone?

"Just feeling lonely, I guess." You grinned and drained your glass.

"That one's familiar," I looked properly at you and noticed your coat for the first time.

"Wow...that's some coat!" You raised one eyebrow and smiled at me, making my heart flutter. What were you doing to me? I was supposed to be straight.

"If you take me to your place I'll let you take a closer look..." You winked at me and that was enough to make me agree.

Within an hour your coat- along with the rest of our clothes- was on the floor. I was giddy with excitement. Everything had been thrown out of focus accept you.

You were everything.

I don't know how long we went on like that but to me it did not feel remotely long enough. I lay on my side facing you and stared into your eyes, "That...was..." I struggled, breathlessly, to find the word to describe what we had just done, "insane!"

You laughed and my heart melted.

"I liked what you did with that by the way-" I gestured to a stopwatch which one of us had dropped on the floor at some point, "I've never seen it used like that before!"

"Always carry a stopwatch," You grinned, "Learnt that from Ianto Jones." Your smile turned bittersweet and melancholy, "This was his actually," You tried to conceal the tear escaping from your eye.

"Is... is he...?" I was aware this might have been a touchy subject.

"Dead? Yes. Killed by gas," I could hear the longing in your voice; you missed him so much.

"I'm sorry," I gently stroked your cheek.

"So am I." You leant over and kissed me and we were off again.


	10. The Day Suzie and Jack Pretended to be Married

**Tosh's Diary**

Dear diary,

I found out something very odd today. It's Jack and Suzie! They were kissing and Ianto was crying and-

I'll start from the beginning.

Jack was in work before me-obviously, I mean he might as well live there!-but so was Suzie. They were giggling and she was fastening the buttons on his shirt! What was going on?

I waited until Suzie left before confronting Jack. I asked him what that was about and he laughed and said "just having breakfast with the wife."

I wasn't sure whether I should take him seriously but then he looked so genuine when he asked me if I was sure he hadn't mentioned it.

When Ianto came in, punctual to the minute, I rushed over to ask whether he knew anything about the marriage. He never answered but the look of shock and horror was enough.

When Owen finally appeared, 10 minutes late, I asked him the same question and he said "No, I didn't know, but quite frankly I don't care."

Typical Owen.

I had to investigate. I could hear their voices from Jack's office and pressed my ear against the door. "...that we were married, yeah." Jack said.

"I can't believe you told her that!" Suzie said in mock horror.

It was then that I noticed Ianto's face, inches from mine. He was snooping too.

"Was I a bad boy, Mrs Harkness?" Jack flirted "Maybe you should punish me," He laughed and was quickly cut off by the sound of kissing.

We both pulled away from the door and stared at each other in shock. It was true! Ianto's eyes were brimming with tears.

Does he have a crush on Jack? The rest of the day I couldn't stop thinking about Jack and Suzie. I still can't now! What's going on? Can Jack even get married if he legally doesn't exist?

I'll have to do some more spying tomorrow. And I'll have to try and console Ianto; the news has really gotten to him.


	11. Guilt

**Jack**

You're gone.

It's all I can think every night.

I lie down and reach for your warmth but you're gone.

I close my eyes and dream of you but when I wake up you're gone.

I see reminders of you every day but you're gone.

We were so happy together, everything was perfect. We were in love and that was all that mattered. Ever since our first kiss I wanted more of you; the closer you were, the more tempting you were. It was overwhelming!

I was so nervous around you, it was like being young again. Our first night was just so...glorious! I hadn't waited that long, really, but it felt like millennia.

Every touch was like lightning through my nerves, I only hope you felt the same. I held you in my arms and lost myself in you. I could feel your breath on my skin, your hands on my body, your heart next to mine and everything made sense.

I relied on you even though I knew I shouldn't. I was selfish; I should have stayed away.

I felt myself falling for you and I was too smitten to pay attention to the unwelcome truth- every person I'm involved with ends up worse off for it and I was certainly involved with you!

We had so many good times, though. We didn't waste a second together but it still wasn't enough.

There's so much we were going to do together. There are so many things I never said to you. I never told you how much you meant to me. I never said how elated you made me feel when we were together; you never knew how much I depended on you.

Now it's too late.

It's my fault you died.

If I had shut down Torchwood 3 after Canary Wharf-

If I had destroyed it instead of recruiting people-

You, Toshiko, Owen and Suzie would still be alive.

But I never would have known you. If it would get you back, I would trade everything. Every life I've ever lived, every person I've ever been to hold you in my arms again like I used to.

I'd be better this time, I'd keep you safe.

We could spend our days doing whatever you wanted to, I'd spend our evenings talking and I'd say everything I should have said to you then I'd spend my nights in your embrace.

But I can't.

You're gone and it's my fault.

I am glad that I was there with you when you died but it broke my heart when you said you loved me. In my whole life I have never done anything to deserve you.

The first night alone I killed myself to try and sleep.

It just made me feel worse; I dragged myself back into life and missed your arms around me, your words of comfort in my ear to calm me down, your kiss to wake me up.

I am consoled a little by the ways you changed me for the better.

1000 years and I can't bring myself to let anyone truly know me.

I can't stop thinking about you. I can't get close to anyone; I love you and only you.

No one can ever compare.

I miss you so much.

If I could die for real and meet you again... I could apologize for everything.

I will never forget you.

I will remember us as we were: happy, perfect, together. You showed me the beauty in everything and without you it's just such a struggle to see that.

I reach for you but you're gone. I remember the reaction I used to get when you were there. I dream of you and wake up to find you're gone. I am thankful that you were once here. I see reminders of you everywhere and remember you're gone.

I revel in the good memories.

Ianto Jones, I didn't forget you and I never could.


	12. The Day AFTER Suzie and Jack Pretended to be Married (sequel to Day 10)

**Tosh's Diary**

Dear diary,

Got to work even earlier than usual today. Starting to wish I hadn't!

Ianto had had the same idea so we went into the tourist information together. I quietly told him exactly what I saw yesterday morning, including the bit about Suzie buttoning up Jack's shirt.

Ianto looked more and more horrified as I spoke. Could I risk a hug? I decided so.

He was leaning his head on my shoulder! There is definitely something going on with him. I needed to know what that something was so I just sort of asked him.

He started blinking in shock and ran on ahead of me. I followed him apologizing over and over until he stopped dead. I shut up and found out why.

You could hear them! You could actually hear Jack and Suzie having sex! It was disgusting!

We ran out of the Hub and sat on the tourist information desk in silence.

I wish I could un-hear that moment!

When I heard Owen approach, I started a meaningless conversation with Ianto, to stop him asking us what was up. Ianto was uncommunicative for the next few minutes until I decided the coast was clear.

I dragged Ianto with me because we both ought to go inside. Owen shouted as we came through the door "You two are so gullible!"

I asked him what he meant and Suzie started giggling uncontrollably. It turns out they were lying the whole time! They were never married!

Ianto strode over to Jack, slapped him and retreated to his workstation.

I was glad of the distraction as it took attention away from my crimson cheeks. I sat at my desk and fiddled with the Rift equation for the rest of the day. You could tell Ianto was crying because in every coffee he made you could practically taste the salt of his tears.

It's all rather unhygienic if you ask me. Now I'm at home, hoping to forget today very quickly. I'm seriously considering Retcon.


	13. A Happy, Non-Depressing Story About My OTP

**Ianto**

Jack's calling my name repeatedly. He's so impatient!

Ever since Gwen walked in on us I have learnt to be more careful about when and where we have sex.

He's so tempting, I can't think.

What am I supposed to be doing? Jack.

No! Checking Gwen's tracker.

"Ianto!" Jack calls. I should go.

No! Not yet! I need to check that Gwen's far away. Then I can go to Jack.

Mmm, Jack.

No! Checking where Gwen is. She is...miles away. We have at least an hour.

Yay! Now to Jack!

"Ianto! Hurry up!"

I'm at the door. I reach for the handle but the door is flung open from the inside.

Jack is standing in the doorway, breathtaking as usual. My jaw drops without command and Jack sees that as an opportunity to enter his tongue into my mouth.

Wow.

Memories can't compare to this; it's sheer perfection.

His hands on my neck and cheek set my heart racing. He's all I can think about, all I can see. Nothing else is in focus. I breathe in his scent and want to laugh with joy. I am ecstatic!

He shrugs off his gorgeous coat and reaches for my shirt buttons. Before I know it, an hour has passed. One blissful hour.

"Coffee break?" He asks, panting.

"Fine." Still reeling, I manage to find and put on my pants in case Gwen's back.

"Hide and seek next, I think!" Jack calls as I reach the coffee machine, "Maybe I'll let you win this time!" He laughs.

"Oh you are chivalrous, Sir," I call sarcastically, "Cheat." I mutter.

"I heard that!" Jack informed me.

"Unfortunately so did I," Gwen shouts from her desk.

"Oh!" I am glad that I took the precaution of wearing underpants but I am suddenly very self-conscious about my body.

"You could always join in." Jack laughs. He has yet to leave his office.

"Err, no thanks!" She shouts disgustedly, "I'll get us some pizza while you put your clothes back on," She picks up her bag. "Wait...what's that?" She points to the screen.

I walk over and as I do so I have to shiver; without Jack's warmth upon me it's very chilly. "It's just another Weevil, " I tell her.

"I'll go get it. I'll pick up some food on the way back."

"No, we'll go." Jack offers. He walks over to us, fully clothed again, notices my shivering and offers me his coat, which I put on gratefully, "You go home."

"Are you sure?" She asks doubtfully.

"Very." He smirks.

He's planning something, I know it.

"OK then." She leaves.

"What's all that about? What are you planning?" I ask as soon as Gwen is out of earshot, hoping it's something fun.

"The Weevil's a fake!" He grins, "I put it onto the computer to make her leave. We'll have to take the SUV out so she doesn't get suspicious. I thought we could drive over to yours..." He winks at me.

"You, Sir, are-" I'm lost for words.

"Sexy? Drop-dead gorgeous? So attractive you can't bear to stay away from me?" He's joking, I know he is but he hit the nail on the head!

"...and cunning. In all the right ways!" I wrap my arm around his shoulder as we walk to the car.

We get in and he reaches for my hand. "By the way, while we have time to talk, I was wondering if you mean what you write."

"What?" Write where?

"In your notebook." He winces. He must know I'm angry.

"How did you get that? It's always in my pocket!" I shout.

"You were asleep...I was curious...I did some snooping." He smiles "You're a good writer."

I feel a rush of pride.

"I'm not impatient am I?" He asks, sounding a little offended.

"Just a bit. It's hard to concentrate when you shout for me!" I laugh.

"Could I see the rest?" He asks as we get out of the car.

"If you must." I sigh, take the book out of my back trouser pocket, hand it to him and let us into the house.

" **Jack could persuade me to do anything if he kissed me** ," He reads. "I might have to take you up on that one." He smiles dazzlingly.

I feel myself being drawn towards him.

He puts one hand on my cheek. He returns the book to my back pocket and leaves his hand there.

I hold him around his waist and kiss him. I feel his heartbeat speeding up. I'm out of breath already. We take a quick breather and I stare into his eyes. "Jack,"

"Yes," He holds my gaze.

"I love you." I see his expression turn to adoration.

"I love you too." He gently let me go and I removed my hands from his waist, never breaking eye contact, "But don't use that word."

We stay like this, breathing as one, I don't know how long for.

Suddenly he pins me to the wall.

His lips crash into mine. His hands are on the wall either side of my head.

I loop my arms around his shoulders and hold on for dear life. He's grinning, taking my mouth into a mirrored shape.

I release his mouth and he whispers to me, "This'll make a great chapter for your notebook."


	14. Ties and Braces

"Are you sure about this, Owen?" Gwen asked doubtfully.

"We're not gonna get caught, if that's what you mean. Tosh is glued to the computer and the lover boys are out, probably at Ianto's place," Owen frowned in mild disgust.

"Yes but if we do get caught then Jack will kill us!" She whispered.

"Well if you're too scared, you can leave but I'm going in. He can't kill me anyway... I'm dead!" Owen opened the door to Jack's office and entered.

Gwen stood, torn between the urge to flee and the curiosity that was increasing by the second. She had only seen the inside of Jack's office a couple of times and the intrigue won her over.

There was a porthole in the floor that caught Gwen's eye. She peered inside and saw a bedroom below the office. "This is weird." She muttered.

Owen leant over her shoulder, "You're enjoying this snooping, aren't you?"

Gwen nodded fervently and giggled.

Owen walked across the room and opened a cupboard, "Look, it's his wardrobe."

On one side, shirts in varying shades of blue were hung up and identical pairs of trousers were folded underneath. On the other side there were different shirts and trousers, waistcoats and a suit-Ianto's.

"He got his feet under the table pretty quickly." Owen muttered.

"I know." Gwen smiled. She crept over to Jack's desk and tried to open the drawers.

Only one was unlocked, she opened it and blinked in disbelief, "Ties and braces." She said slowly under her breath.

"What?" Owen walked over to her, "Oh. Wow."

Lined up neatly were Jack's grey braces and Ianto's ties in rainbow order.

"Guess that was Ianto's organization." Owen was officially weirded out by it all.

"You think?!"


	15. Confessions From the Dead

**Owen**

I used to love my life before Torchwood. I had a great job, great colleagues and a great fiancé.

Katie was gorgeous. Everything was perfect. Then everything went wrong.

My whole world crumbled around me. I lost my great job, my great colleagues all thought I was insane and my great fiancé was dead!

I was suicidal.

Jack gave me back enough of what I had before that I could keep myself from becoming a recluse. Torchwood took over my life.

It distracted me from the longing for Katie.

When I went home I remembered again. I cried myself to sleep on the nights I slept alone.

When I got with Suzie, she was just what I needed at the time. I was good at noticing that in people. I didn't mean anything at all to her and she meant nothing to me.

Then there was Gwen, she hated me so much it became love. It was great until she remembered Rhys and ditched me.

Diane changed everything. I loved her but I loved her too much. She ran and I let her. I let her and I regret it so much! I only survived by blocking out all emotion.

Life was just crap. Everybody had somebody accept me.

Gwen had Rhys, Jack had Ianto, even Tosh had had Tommy!

I had nobody.

Again.

Then I got shot.

It turns out death is even worse than life. I can't eat. I can't drink. I can't sleep. I can't have sex. I can't even commit suicide! I wonder what it would be called if I did...

Well I can't.

So I'm dead and everyone's acting weird. The happy couple are whispering about me behind my back. Gwen tries to comfort me. Tosh is under the illusion that she loves me!

She doesn't! She pities me.

Even if she did love me, it's not like I love her!


	16. Why me?

**Tosh about Jack**

I'm in a cell.

My bones ache from exhaustion. My head is splitting from sleepless nights. My eyes are raw from the endless tears.

The floor below me forces frozen, violent shudders from my bones. The walls close in around me until I dare not breathe too fast for fear of running out of what little oxygen there is in the room. The clothing upon me makes my skin crawl as though insects are scuttling over my body and biting at me.

Someone calls me through the intercom. Why should I listen? How could they possibly punish me if I did not comply? What could be worse than this?

Finally, I shakily get to my feet. I put on my act of strength. I do not show them even a fraction of the torture I feel.

A man is standing before me.

Confidence reeks from his presence. Obedience is absent from his expression. Authority is clear in his stance.

Why is he here? Who is this man? What does he want?

I plague myself with these same questions again and again.

He offers me a fairytale ideal of rescue and adventure. I cannot refuse. This can't be true; it is surreal. I can't bring myself to let it be real. It must be a dream.

Every day that passes since is like a fantasy. I fall asleep each night expecting to wake up on that cold floor in that empty room. The main question playing on my mind is, and always will be this:

Why me?


	17. How I Got Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (this one took 2 days so the next is actually day 19)

**Ianto**

I am slowly slipping away from life, lying in the arms of the only one who could make this bearable.

So many times this has happened before accept I was holding him and he was dying and it was never permanent.

This is different.

This is it.

This is forever.

As the light fades, I remember a familiar story, the story I know best. My story. The story of how I got here.

I think it began at Canary Wharf. I have many a fond memory of time with Lisa. We were young, sweet and in love. Finding her half-converted broke my heart and I knew I had to find a way, somehow, to get her back.

I tried UNIT first and was turned down, and then I remembered Torchwood 3. It was closer to my family and it had connections to the people who could help her.

I begged and I pleaded with Jack to take me on. He was so authoritative. So strong and mysterious. He spoke like he was born on another planet, he dressed like he belonged in the past, he smiled like a Hollywood film star.

When he finally agreed I was overjoyed!

I brought Lisa to the Hub as soon as their backs were turned and searched desperately for aid.

Then she was gone.

My world came crashing down with a thud. I didn't think I could love again after her. My life was so empty, with no meaning. Pain was the defining factor of my existence. Loneliness, loss, emptiness and agony filled the gaping chasm she left in my heart.

I couldn't understand why talking to Jack was the only real comfort. When he was around I felt just a little less broken. There was something that drew me to him, it was magnetic. I tried to fight it, to avoid him; I didn't want to fall again.

One night we got talking. Long after everyone else had left work we were still there.

"Poor him," I mused.

"I know. He loved her and she never knew," Jack sighed, "It's so sad that he died alone. Nobody told him that his species can't breathe in this atmosphere."

I chuckled.

"It's such a shame when love goes unnoticed like that," He met my gaze and I could see through his eyes into his heart.

"You're right there. Unrequited love is very sad." I couldn't help but lean towards him.

Jack wasn't talking about the alien any more.

Neither was I.

Our heads got closer and closer, tilted and made contact. I closed my eyes and breathed his scent.

Our first kiss.

I couldn't fight any more.

I realised that I didn't want to. I had fallen for him and smashed rock bottom into the ground. There was no turning back now. I wouldn't turn back if I could.

I rested my forehead on his. I was breathing so fast.

It was strange; there were so many questions buzzing around my head. Why was I doing this? I was straight, wasn't I? What did this mean?

Suddenly the buzzing stopped.

One thought pressed on all corners of my mind.

**_Again._ **

I was nervous. What if he didn't want to?

**_He does._ **

What if I had done something wrong?

**_You did fine._ **

I looked up at his face. It was more beautiful than it had ever been before.

I leant away from him and he opened his eyes questioningly. He was about to speak, his mouth was open. I took my chance to kiss him again.

Passion raged around me and I held onto his arms for support. My cheeks were warm from his touch. I didn't want to let him go.

He was the first since Lisa.

I was wary of loss and tragedy.

I gave it a week.

A week of chatting until the early hours. A week of getting to know each other as friends. A week of going no further than kisses.

The last day of the appointed week was up.

He took me with him to catch a rogue Weevil and left everyone else at the Hub to clear up and leave. It was his devious plan to give us an excuse to talk on the way there.

"Ianto," he turned to me, I silently fretted that he was the one driving. He smiled reassuringly, "How do you think this-us-is going?"

I could tell he was treading carefully, realising the future of our whole relationship depended on this moment, "I, erm, think it's going, erm, great."

Understatement of the century.

"So...you said to give it a week, right?" He waited for my nod of confirmation, even though he knew the answer, "Well this is day 7 so..." he was sweating, he was so nervous! I had never seen him like this before, "I was thinking, maybe we could-" he winked. He was shaking so badly. I wanted to hold him, to calm him down.

"Yes!" Oops! Had I sounded too eager? He let out a laugh of relief. He pulled up by the field the Weevil was in.

We enjoyed hunting way more than we ought to. We took double the amount of time it would have taken were either of us being serious but who cared? It certainly broke the ice.

Jack definitely broke the speed limit as he rushed back to the hub. Within minutes we were all over each other. The night wasn't long enough.

Those first few weeks we came so close to being found out.

The excuses we came up with were comical. It shocks me that anyone believed them. Owen, being the most shrewd of the team, was first to figure out that we were together. He used this knowledge to make cheap insults at my expense.

That was how Gwen found out.

I don't think Tosh would have realised at all if she hadn't seen Jack kiss me!

It took more than a year of being together before we had a proper date. Needless to say we never made time for dessert!

That night I fell asleep in his arms. I was content. Nothing worried me while he was around, I couldn't fathom anything going wrong. We were so deeply and utterly drowning in love though neither of us would ever dare to say it.

His warmth was like my own personal sun, his hold like a blanket. Without him I was nothing, with him I was side tracked from everything! We hit the 2 year anniversary and I started to think seriously about where this was going, how many more anniversaries there could possibly be.

I thought of all the lives he had lived and all the people he had loved.

For me, someone like Jack will never come around again. A love like ours I had never known, it was so putting and so strong that is could barely spend a minute without him.

For him, however, this would have happened before and I was under no illusions that it wouldn't happen again. After I had grown old and died, I knew he would find someone else.]

He would touch someone the way he touched me, know someone the way he knew me, love someone the way he loved me.

Most nights I would watch him long after he had fallen asleep. He would look so peaceful, more than he ever did with me. I would keep the tears back for his sake as I would realise once again that I'm just a blip in time for Jack.

No more than that.

When we were together, though, it didn't feel like that.

It was the one time I felt like I mattered at all. The one time I could be myself. He couldn't help it if he fell for someone else, I accepted that, but it did make me realise just how little time we really had.

If I was only a flicker of Jack's eternity then I would make the most of that. This I did with pleasure!

I blink and take longer to open my eyes than I should.

The end is so close now. I know that for certain.

I look for one last time at the face of the only man I truly adore.

"It was good, yeah?" The only thing I can think to say.

In a colossally underestimated way I have just summed up everything we are and ever were.

In this moment this Jack is here and he loves me. Me and only me.

It is a privilege to have loved him. He is-no matter how much he will argue to the contrary- the best thing that ever shed light onto the recesses of my quickly fading life

Maybe one day he will read my journal. He will read some of these stories and understand how much he means to me. He has forever to get over me and one day he will laugh at these moments we shared.

He will remember how glorious we were.

I just hope he will remember.


	18. Gray

**Gray**

I am black and blue.

The pink canvas of my skin is barely visible.

I hardly dare to look at myself any more for fear of seeing my bone splintered on the floor or my blood pooling all around.

I pray for death.

Every nightmare I had as a child pales in comparison to this. They would be a relief now.

When the exhaustion overpowers fear then I sleep dreamlessly and without rest.

'Agony' does not begin to describe the fear that sears constantly through my body. This is all my brother's fault. If he had looked after me properly I wouldn't be here, tortured and alone. If I ever get out of this place I will track him down.

I will find him and hurt him.

Hurt him like he hurt me.


End file.
